We’re really pleased to have Ben Davis, author of The Private Blog of Joe Cowley: Welcome to Cringefest (published by OUP) to tell us about Joe’s favourite festivals. Sort of…
Hi there, I’m Ben Davis, the poor sap in charge of transcribing Joe Cowley’s secret online rants into book form.
Of course, when you have books out, it is important to promote them, so the idea behind this blog post was that Joe would give you his top five music festivals of the year.
Thing is, Joe was being slightly, um, difficult, so in the end, I had to get him to fill in a questionnaire instead.
It’s the best I could get out of him. Sorry.
Name: Joe Cowley
Tell us how you’re feeling: Tell you how I’m feeling? TELL YOU HOW I’M FEELING?? The English language doesn’t even have a word for how I’m feeling. Maybe the Germans do. I don’t know, I failed that subject. So I’m going to invent a word – Bottomlesspitofdespair. That’s how I’m feeling. Why, you ask? TRY THIS ON FOR SIZE.
1. I am a broken man since the love of my life, Natalie chucked me.
2. I strongly suspect my so-called “friend” Greeny is after her.
3. I have a VIP ticket to a music festival even though I will be far too broken to enjoy it. I’ll probably just stand next to a burger van and drink mustard.
Great! Now could you tell us what your top five music festivals of the year are? Are you cocking well kidding me? After what I’ve JUST told you about the horrid experience I’m going to have at a music festival? Are you some sort of MORON? No wonder you’re working for me and not Zoella.
Right, fine, I’ll do your stupid list. Maybe it will take my mind off the bottomlesspitofdespair.
Joe Cowley’s Top Five Music Festivals of the Year
5. V Festival
I’ve just had a look at the line-up for that, and honestly, what a load of old cack. I mean, Justin Bieber? If anyone can go love themselves, it’s him! And that Lukas Graham cretin is on, too. I was seven years old once as well, but do you hear me banging on about it?
Sorry. I’m in an even worse mood now because my mate Harry saw what I was writing and told me I should go to the V Festival because V stands for Virgin.
OH MY SIDES ARE SPLITTING FROM ALL THE HILARITY!
4. Reading Festival
My other mate Ad said he’d never go to this festival because he hates books. Enough said.
3. Glastonbury Festival
There’s no way I would ever go to Glastonbury. My Dad went a million years ago and said it had a ‘wicked fresh vibe’. Ugh. Plus, Adele is headlining and all her songs are about how depressed she is because her ex won’t take her back. If I wanted to hear that, I’d just listen to my own brain.
Now, this is the kind of festival I can get behind. An intellectual’s paradise. I hear you have to do an IQ test at the gate before they let you in. They only have clever bands, too. Bands with songs about really complex stuff like love or Sudoku.
And it’s not just bands – authors are there. Proper ones, too – not idiots who write books about bloggers. When I finally publish my poetry collection, (Natalie, You Drive Me Battily) I will certainly consider giving a talk here.
This is the festival I’m going to. I was supposed to be going with Natalie but obviously, I’m not now. And here’s the kicker, she’s still going . . . with Greeny! Well, kick me in the nugs and call me Wesley Crusher, isn’t that WONDERFUL?
You know what, maybe I won’t even go. Maybe I’ll sell my ticket and use the money to buy that cell from Star Trek: First Contact I’ve had my eye on. I could just stay at home that weekend with my cell. Just me and my cell.
Actually, sod that. I’m going. Why should I let the fact that everyone hates me stop me from having a good time?
And maybe Natalie will be nicer to me at Buzzfest. Maybe I can get her to forgive me for that minor incident last year. But how? I’ve tried talking to her, but every time I do that, it only makes things worse. I need a new strategy.
Hold on, while I’ve been writing this, there’s been a TV show on called ‘Fifty Greatest Movie Grand Gestures.’ It’s the type of thing where a bloke chases a woman to the airport, or tells her he loves her in the rain, or makes a big speech in front of a load of people.
When it started, I thought it was a load of old rubbish, but now it’s giving me some inspiration.
That’s it – I’m going to Buzzfest! You just wait, Natalie, this will be the Grandest Gesture the world has ever seen!
Well, that doesn’t sound like a good idea. Ah well, at least, I’ll get another book out of it. Thanks for reading, everyone!
The Private Blog of Joe Cowley: Welcome to Cringefest is out now.